Too sad to sleep so I’m going to try and distract myself by writing about what happened and download and this last week and yeah
- THIS HAS ENDED UP BEING ON OF THE MOST STUPIDLY PERSONAL THINGS I’VE EVER WRITTEN. ENJOY.
- Download was alright but mostly awful in the end. I went down on thursday and yeah, first night camping sucked because I hate camping. Honestly I don’t even like gigs too much, I only really wanted to go for the whole like, festival experience (alcohol) but I couldn’t drink and yeah. I didn’t really enjoy friday too much either. On saturday I got high with our like, neighbours? The people camped around us, there was this polish guy called Magic and a short redhead welsh girl called Ally, yeah, they were both really nice, and because I was high the next few gigs we saw were pretty awesome. Sleeping that night sucked again because yup, sleeping on the ground, not too fun. On sunday we got high again and it was like, really good at first, but then it all got terrible very very quickly. Yeah, basically I saw my ex, and I said hi, and he didn’t even bother fucking standing up or anything, and he was with his fuck buddy as well as some other people, but I didn’t really realise who she was at first otherwise I wouldn’t even have bothered saying hi. Like, it just really annoyed me because he’d been saying we should meet and stuff, so had I obviously, but I actually made the effort, and he didn’t, so it’s just like, ugh, idk. I didn’t stay for more than a couple minutes, and then I went off and started having a panic attack, and then I started crying. I was there with my best friend and like, we hung out near the main stage kinda area for ages because I was hoping I’d be able to calm down and we could just go back to enjoying the music or whatever aha, but it didn’t work, after about 40 minutes we went back to our tent, and I was like proper freaking out, couldn’t stop crying or anything. I was so fucking miserable, like seeing him just kinda tipped me over the edge or something, I hadn’t seen him since we broke up and it was just, idk, I felt shocked for whatever reason. I took a box of paracetamol and 8 fluoxetines, idk, I don’t think I was trying to OD, just make myself feel better or feel nothing or whatever, but obviously that’s not really enough to do anything. Only niall and jordan know about that because niall was there and I called jordan crying later (until now obviously, idk why I’m posting about it, it’s probably the most personal thing I’ve posted ever probably, but whatever) anyway, it didn’t do anything, and later I just threw up a bunch of times, fell asleep and obviously I’m fine. I ended up calling my mom and asking her to get me, I wasn’t meant to be leaving until monday evening but I just couldn’t handle that, I couldn’t stop crying and I just, idk, I couldn’t, I couldn’t be there anymore. I was so fucking miserable. So she came and got me and I went home and I half regret it, because I missed sabbath, but tbh I know I wouldn’t have been able to stay. So yeah, that was download. I plan on going again next year but bringing more people with me, including someone I can have sex with, and I’ll be able to drink then so I’ll have to make up for my huge lack of alcohol this year.
- Anyway, since getting back I’ve just felt shitty, just really really bad. One morning I woke up with a message from my gf saying like “if andrea sends you any messages just ignore anything she says it isn’t true” and then later I saw tweets from my gf saying like “haha I tricked you, I was just joking” or something, and tweets from the girl, andrea, who’s the spanish girl who holly has like, openly told me she has a crush on, saying things like “I should take screencaps of all the things you say to me, you always tell me you love me, you were going to cheat on your gf with me” etc, so it looks like my gf had been saying stuff to her this whole time, then something happened, they had an argument or something, andrea threatened to show me, so holly tried to style it out like she’d been joking the whole time, and it just makes me feel like, idk, when I cheated, it was a drunk nothing, I didn’t even know who it was with until literally about 2 days ago when she described him aha, with her it’s like, okay maybe she hasn’t done anything physical (yet) but she obviously wants to and the fact she like actually told me she likes her it’s just made me feel like, what’s the point? Seriously what’s the point? idk, and I told her about the download stuff, I really thought I was going to have to break up with her cuz of it, because like, it isn’t fair, you shouldn’t have to date someone who breaks down and has a fucking panic attack because they saw their ex. But she said like, she still wants me if I want her, so. I mean, I didn’t think she’d dump me, but I thought I should probably break up with her because it felt like it would be the right thing to do because I just suck so bad at this whole relationship thing.
- Anyway, last night I had this really vivid dream about him. It wasn’t even anything like, romantic at all, it was kind of really fucking horrible, he was being a prick, like, it’s hazy but it was something like, we were hanging out and he was coming on to every girl there except me, and I ended up fighting the girls, like physically and it was really vivid, and then he started saying something weird like “tell jordan he’s invited to my birthday party” and it was like WHY WOULD I INVITE HIM FOR YOU WHEN I’M NOT EVEN INVITED? ahah, it’s not even like, realistic, his birthday is in january I think? It was just weird, really horrible, but then like, we had this fight that sorted things out, and it was like, some cheesey walking off holding hands kind of thing, and I just felt really calm like “everything is sorted, everything is okay” and then I woke up and I just felt really weird and horrible, like he’s not a part of my life anymore and NOW I’M DREAMING ABOUT HIM, WHY AM I SUCH A CRAZY PERSON? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. How do I make myself feel better? Seriously, I just want to hibernate until a point in time where I can wake up and be happy. I can’t exist anymore, I don’t want to. I want to forget about him forever. I want to run away to Norway where I don’t have to even be in the same city as him, but I’ll probably still upset myself looking at his facebook and stuff. Ugh, I sound so like, sad. I don’t still want to be with him, or anything like that, it’s just like, he was like, that one big relationship that every teenager has, idk, it’s not even that, because I’ve had big relationships, it;s probably just because he was the most recent, and idk, idk, idk why I think about him so much still, I hate it, I HATE IT, it makes me feel so weak and horrible about myself, I seriously don’t know what to do, I really don’t, this is horrible.
- Okay, I’m going to stop, because I’m rambling and I sound like a crazy person.
Posted: 11 months ago Notes: 1