This started out as a couple lines about me that I thought were relevant, and over time I’ve added to it and now it’s just a mess of things I think people should know, it probably doesn’t really sum me up the way I’d like it to, but whatever, I always write too much in these kind of things.
I blame myspace. 

My name is Maria, I am 17, and I live in London.
I like things that make me feel happy to be alive.

I’m generally pretty confused about what I want out of life, but I’m passionate about things, some of the time, and I think that’s important.

I dropped out of sixth form over a year ago, so all my friends are busy doing something productive with their lives and I’m just sort of existing, but it was the right thing to do because I felt like it was destroying me.
I don’t know what I want to do when I’m older, but I want to do something that makes me happy.

I’ve decided that no matter what happens, I’m going to do everything I possibly can to be happy. I’m going to make sure I get the most out of life, because despite all the bullshit and whatever, life is beautiful and I think the worst thing anyone can do is waste it and not appreciate the fact that you’re alive on a planet floating in space, and that’s fucking amazing no matter how shit you think your life is. 

I’m bisexual, I don’t think it makes a difference, but I guess it’s worth saying.

I do things that probably make me sound like a twat, like drinking and doing drugs and judging almost everyone, but I don’t care and I wouldn’t have it any other way, I don’t think I really act any different from anyone else my age. The person I eventually live with will probably hate me because all I do is mope around all day.
And when I say person, I mean cats.

Once, a long long time ago, my friend was stoned. Feeling poetic, she said “Life is amazing, but it hurts my soul”. We don’t talk anymore and years have passed but I think I’ll always remember that.

I read a lot. Books are probably my favourite thing in the world. I worry sometimes that I’ll never fall in love because I prefer the characters in books to real people. I take what I read way too seriously. I fall in love with characters, and I relate more to people who don’t really exist than my closest friends. As cliché as it sounds, I’m miserable when I don’t have a book to read, and my favourite book is normally whatever I’m currently reading or have just finished. I’ve started about 5 of my own, and always lacked the inspiration to get anywhere past halfway.

I hate London because once I lent Jordan a book and some kids on the bus stole it from his bag and ripped it up.
However, I probably find London to be one of the most amazing places, and I couldn’t imagine living anywhere else while I grow up. Watching the city at night through a steamed up window on a bus or a train is probably one of the most beautiful things in the world.

I went through a period of my life where it felt like everything was changing, it scared me a lot at the time, but since then I no longer feel the need to depend on people, and I have reason enough to trust nobody around me. I’m glad of it though, I’m never going back. Things still change, but it’s not a bad thing anymore. I was young and terribly naïve. I’d like to think I’m not as much now.

I dream a lot, I look forward to the future, instead of looking back on the past. I plan on making it everything I’ve ever wanted, even if I’m not entirely sure what that is yet.

I have an unhealthy obsession with art and photography. I love spending the day at galleries and museums, art makes me feel inspired in a way that nothing else can. I have about 17 disposable cameras lying around that I’ll probably never develop.
I like planning my future, I like living unprepared, I like never having to look back on the past again. If I could, I would dress up in costume every single day. I change my hair colour pretty much every other month, I like colours that make me feel like a fairy. I have my tongue, septum and lip pierced, and I plan to get more. I used to get upset about how I look but I don’t think I am anymore, I think I’m more like the characters from my favourite books this way instead of just being pretty or whatever. I find myself to be boringly average, and I’m still not sure how I feel about that.

I drink and I do drugs. I smoke socially, as much as I hate the phrase, it’s basically the only way to describe it. I don’t have any problem with people who don’t drink, etc, but I feel like they’re judging me for it because I do, and have a harder time really being friends with them. I know quite a few people, but there aren’t really that many people I would consider to be my real friends and I don’t really like most of them. I’m completely okay with that, infact I think I prefer it that way. There’s so much about people that I dislike. I would probably call myself a misanthrope, but at the same time, I probably wouldn’t.

I used to say that I don’t believe in love, then I went to my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary and I don’t see how I could ever have thought that it doesn’t exist.
Love is beautiful.

Death fascinates and terrifies me.

I am neurotic, I know that, and as hard as I try not to let it control my life, it does, but I guess I’m dealing with it. And I know eventually things will get better.
I strongly believe “everything will be okay in the end, if it’s not okay it’s not the end”, things like that, it makes me feel a tiny bit less scared about the fact one day I will die and I just won’t exist anymore.  (Click the link to read about it in a way that I could never explain) 

Sex is just sex. Teenagers will, and should, just be teenagers. If you can’t live up to it all now, when will you? I am angsty as fuck, I do the worst type of things to my body, and I generally don’t give a shit. But I’m young, so whatever.

There is more, there is always more, but I guess for now this sums it all up.

“Just trust me, and we can wipe it all away, all the pain, all the cruelty, all the bereavement, we can start again”

…and she sobs, like the child she is, sobs because at long last, her nightmare is over.